I have been learning a lot about myself over the past year. I am a very deep christian, in love with Our Creator and the son HE sent to pay for our sins and lead us to redemption. But a lot of things inside me are in need of deep introspection.
I am a person who loves so deeply, gives so freely, that I allow people the right to walk on me.
Twice, I have married an abusive person. The first "marriage" was very short, but I have a emotionally disabled child from that union. The second "marriage" nine years later was quite abusive physically, initially. But it was the most emotionally abusive that relationship somehow lasted 20 years. Four children came from that union.
After all this, just this past year, at 44 years of age, I have realized who is at fault for all this. ME. I cannot point any finger of blame at anyone. Life happened, I had a lot of learning to do and still do. Now I need to correct my flaws and pray that the Lord fill the gaps and move me into HIS glory.
Co-Dependency - I put my mate first ahead of all. Ahead of myself and my children. That is not the bad part. In some settings, for the right man, that can be good. But I had no boundaries set. The moon was the limit. So, I got what I allowed. A man who did not provide in practically anyway; who had no idea how to show love; who had every idea how to dump all of his stress and anger on me and the 5 children I had.
Now, to rebuild. He is not apart of my life anymore, and will not be until I see some growing in him. There really is not any chance unless God were to completely interject when I am filing for divorce. But, If I tell him there is a chance, he will falsify changes to please me and then resent me for them. And then, he will return right back the way it was and point the fingers at me. I know, this has already happened like 9 times.
Just like our LORD wants genuine LOVE proven by actions that flow out of a LOVING HEART, so does a wife. False changes never last. A person can tell when it is genuine, for the most part.
To rebuild, I have to set healthy boundaries. I documented my journey through this on another blog beginning with this page: http://not-codependent.blogspot.com/2011_11_20_archive.html
Still journeying, I guess. Still co-dependent, I guess.
Also, I have been honestly trying to get my children over the stress their father built into them. And get them to learn to respect me; they lost all respect for me. At the same time, I am having to UNDO all the negative that has been done: the lack of discipline due to having a partner who's sole purpose was to undo anything I tried to do. These girls are all confused about right and wrong.
More than anything, I have to build my relationship with God. Everything for HIS glory. HE has been revealing all these things to me, both in tiny whispers as I pray and read his word, and in GREAT SHOUTS as I stumble over and over on the same things. Everything else should fall into place.
Much of that journey is documented in another blog: http://lovingfatherinheaven.blogspot.com/
I still like Miley Cyrus' words: Life's a climb. I wouldn't dare attempt to climb it, though, without the loving guidance of my Father in Heaven and Jesus who live in me.
Another blogs I started: http://theendofthisage.blogspot.com/
Websites: http://sandrarinehart.comyr.com/
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